Bright Idea.
By Dianne Snodgrass

ZBT fraternity captured cross-town rivals mascot the BLACK BEAR. But what they didn't realize is that they actually captured a BLACK BEAR. A REAL ONE. 5 of those geniuses are now in the hospital. One was quoted saying, "MCC needs to get a better mascot. Our rival has a WAY better one. That guy REALLY acted like a bear." Another said, "What's up with the dude who wears the Bear costume? He's super prissy. That guy needs to chill out."

Faculty to Students: "Stop Raising Your Hands"
By Dianne Snodgrass

Faculty is so astounded by the dumb questions that students ask during class, that they have asked MCC students to with hold any question until after. Once class is over, students should follow these instructions; close your eyes and count to 5. This will allow faculty to make a speedy exit and avoid having to address your stupidity.

Middle Town C.C. Gets Accreditation Back!
By Dianne Snodgrass

After more than two years, Middle Town Community College will no longer carry the ‘trade school’ designation that has marred its academic reputation and yet increased its enrollment. The re-accreditation announcement was made over the school’s public address system after a planned address in the main parking lot was cancelled due to a high number of “booted” cars blocking access to Dean Dean Archibald. “Luckily,” said Dean Dean Archibald, “the announcement followed a previous announcement announcing the recent installation of the P.A. system.” The public address system was purchased from excess funds produced by a recent crackdown on parking violators.

Despite the probationary status of the restored accreditation, student morale has improved across a majority of the campus. When asked about his opinion on the news, jubilant finance major Eric Kraus shouted, “Man, a credit nation is what I’m all about!”

The school’s founder, Gerald Philips, says the future for Middle Town Community College will be just like its past. “We’re not going to let this news go to our head. We’ll continue to offer the same type and quality of classes. We’ll continue to maintain our faculties and facilities. And we’ll hold onto our rich history and tradition. Despite this welcome news, we are not going to let it change us or our school in any way, shape or form.”

Accreditation Spawns New Fight Song
By Dianne Snodgrass

MCC’s accreditation helps the music department’s creativity flourish. “With the new re-instatement of our accreditation, we have something new to celebrate. Everything is going to change,” said Tuba player Megan Dumass. “I’m so excited about the newest fight song, we’re going to redo all of our songs.”